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A Minute with Mike: The Oracle

Vic Reyes

Listen to this Minute with Mike on Stateside.

Credit Vic Reyes

I've dusted off the old 8-ball Ouija-tron to find out what's happening in future Michigan.

Dateline: Lansing, December 2034

In what some describe as a desperate move, state officials will sell the naming rights to Michigan highways and byways as a way to generate money for road repair.

Lawmakers were proud to introduce the Roads Ain't Cheap Act.

Prosperity for the Prosperous spokesperson Renee Barbarella Jr. says it's a great move by Michigan, and taxpayers should be ecstatic with road funding shifting from John Q. Citizen to Big Corporate Brother.

Barbarella Jr. says her group will work hard with the state to come up with “totes coolest and inter-web-trendy-ist names for Michigan roads.”

Motorists may soon be cruising the Comcast Corridor, the Federal Express Express, or taking the “Big Mac” Mackinac Bridge – presented, of course, by Mickey-Ds.

State government won't be the only winner under the new law; counties, cities and townships will also be able to sell off street names to the highest bidder.

So long, Grand River Avenue and Eight Mile Road. Say hello to the Quicken Loans Causeway and the Amway Highway.

Opponents to the Roads Ain't Cheap Act say selling the names of roads to private businesses goes too far.

But, bill sponsor Sean Penciltruck doesn't see it that way. Penciltruck says smooth roads outweigh public integrity in most voters' minds.

The first road name auction is set for March 2035.

Copyright 2021 Michigan Radio. To see more, visit Michigan Radio.

Mike Blank is a producer and editor for Stateside. Inspired by a story on a bag of Uncle Ray’s potato chips, Blank created the satire segment “A Minute with Mike” which can be heard on Stateside. A proud U-M drop-out and Summa Cum Laude graduate of Wayne State, Blank first started working in radio in 1998 and has worked at WKHM, WDET, WXYT and WWJ. Blank won the 2012 Michigan Association of Broadcasters “Best Morning Show” award as the lone producer of the Charlie Langton Show. A Michigander since age 2, Blank has resided in Detroit since 2004 where he enjoys walks to Tiger’s games and watching wild pheasants in the vacant lots across the street.